Doing Life Together: Making an Effort to Build Intimate Friendship

When people say they are lonely, we should not assume they lack companionship or human interaction. For you can be in a crowded room and still be alone.

The craving for an intimate friendship could be longing for someone who understands you, and relates to what's important. It may be desiring a safe harbour for your dreams.

Perhaps, you want people who truly see you outside of your work roles. Those who value you beyond responsibility. (Maybe that's why politicians prize friends who do not ask for favours.)

Company for Life’s Journey

I define an intimate friendship as being on life's journey with someone. Both of you are already heading in the same direction. So, you travel in the same vehicle so as to enjoy each other's company along the way.

Intimate friendship is not limited to a romantic relationship. Jesus was not married to his disciples, nor David to Jonathan. Even the poet, Rumi, had Shams Tabrizi.

A main impediment to sustained friendship is being in the same space of life. It's as much about proximity as it is about synchronicity.

As seasons change, those who remain friends make an effort to prioritize one another. They do so by adapting.

Advance Planning Matters

Let's take a group of friends, for example.

A single lady gladly accepts the roles of godmother, babysitter, and party planner when her best friend becomes a mother. By getting involved in the lives of the children, she's there for important moments and can remain close to her friend.

Correspondingly, the mother sets aside a night every quarter to go drinking with her single friends, to catch up on their lives.

Then, they all plan an annual Girl's Trip many months in advance. That way they can oil the wheel of friendship without interruption.

Advance planning or prioritization is the strongest sign of commitment to intimacy. It says, "No matter what's going on, we will make time for each other."

Families do this when everyone comes home in December. And couples choose each other when they go away for a weekend.

We may assume these engagements are organic, but usually, it is one friend or family member who makes things happen. How you know is that when that person stops putting in effort or when the matriarch of the family dies (for instance), those meet ups stop.

Someone was carrying the burden of logistics because they loved you dearly.

Friends Come and Go

It is true that some friends fall out of sync. Life happens and it is your prerogative to move on. However, as you grow older, you may discover that relationships are worth more than the other things you were chasing after.

If you do leave a close friend behind, know that they may struggle with feelings of irrelevance and loss. So, please move on with kindness.

Thank you for reading.